Troll Rant…sort of

A Funny Thing About Trolls

Tell me, please, how thin is thin enough? Will your hatred be tempered by an acceptable BMI or do you require that I stand perfectly still while you run an imaginary tape measure around my hips, thighs and upper arms all the while tut-tutting about my jiggly body?

I have gone back into my archives and changed the title of a post from eight months ago. There are people who actually type “I H*te F*t People” into search engines and find my post with that same title. I know that is how they find the post because they tell me that they enter a search with that phrase “just for fun.” Just for fun?! These “fun” people then proceed to comment at that particular post oblivious to the fact that it is an old post and no one will see their comment except for me. I finally decided to just change the name of the post so it no longer shows up in searches for that particular “fun” phrase.

But some Trolls find their way here and have come to stay. I spend more time than I’d like to admit deleting vicious, spiteful, hostile, threatening, virulent, punishing mounds of linguistic filth directed at anyone who dares to say that it might be ok to laugh and eat in public or just freaking enjoy their life, regardless of weight. No! You mustn’t stop trying! If you stop trying to attain the “right” body shape (marry the “right” mate, get the “right” job, own the “right” house, drive the “right” car) then you are a loser and losers are a drain on society.

No matter that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and that increasing the amount of shame and stigma a person feels only succeeds in increasing the amount of shame and stigma a person feels. So obviously you don’t hate me for my own good because your methods are ineffective. There must be more to it.

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. There is a thin line between love and hate and let’s be honest — you don’t spend your time writing despicable diatribes to people about whom you don’t care, so I have come to the conclusion that clearly you are in love with me. Why else all the letters filled with passion? You are consumed with your desire for my attention. I keep ignoring your pleas for consideration and yet you keep begging me to notice you.

And so I have decided to take pity on you and glance in your direction. I shall give you the attention you so desperately crave. While I am loathe to see any similarities in myself and the person who wrote, “all of you deluded fatties should turn off the tv, leave the trough and get some exercise. You people disgust me.” Truthfully I must admit to you that I have had those very same thoughts in my own mind when looking in a mirror. I have been on the self-loathing recovery plan for a number of years now and I can tell you that I look at my reflection with approval these days (mostly) and delight (more and more) but — there’s the rub. I get where these people are coming from. It is obvious to me that you hate yourself and you feel you must attack those who choose to not hate themselves.

I wouldn’t spend a moment being concerned about whether someone liked me unless that person is someone I respected in some way. I am completely unconcerned about the Trolls leaving comments here but, I am interested in why they do it. I think all people want to connect with other people and to be seen. Anyone who spends time searching the internet to find someone to hate, anyone who takes their time to write a rant about how horrible a person is — must feel that way either about themselves or perhaps their fat mom/dad/science teacher who didn’t give them enough attention/enough encouragement/enough recognition and they want their pain to be acknowledged.

So here it is — Awwwwww, you poor poor baby.

I end this by saying that this is a place where we can discuss ways to be kinder and gentler with ourselves and with each other. That is my intention when I sit down to write. I leave the political observations about sizeism, jumbled scientific findings, and popular culture to those whom I consider to be more eloquent and (truthfully) more interested in those subjects.

I may not have found a way to forgive, forget, or overlook every person who happens to jangle my nerves and push my buttons but I do strive to see the humanity in the hater.

Random Rants and Dubious Doubts

I am obsessed with food. I just am. That is the truth of my daily existence. I am constantly thinking about food. How much time has passed since I last ate and how soon can I reasonably eat again? What will I eat next? Where am I going to eat? Will I cook or will I order in? I am happy – what can I eat? I am sad – what can I eat?

The question of whether or not I should be obsessed with food is really no one else’s business. It is just a fact of my life that I deal with the same way I deal with everything else in my life like flossing and determining the best location in my kitchen for the compost bucket. I just deal with it privately and with as much grace as I can muster.

My point is — it’s my life. I don’t get in your face about how much makeup you wear, but since you asked — I think you are wearing too much foundation. You look like a clown with that heavy pancake on your face, that shade of lipstick makes your skin look green, and heavy blue eyeshadow went out in the 1970′s and honestly, it didn’t look good back then.

Haters Not Welcome Here. People who post comments on this blog about what other people eat, how much other people eat, whether or not they should eat what they eat, and what type of person is a person who eats whatever it is that you think is the wrong amount of food will just not be tolerated and will be promptly deleted. I am horrified by the virulent comments that I delete on a regular basis. This is a free country and your viewpoints are protected by the constitution. I’d like to remind you that mine are too.

I don’t talk much about my eating here and maybe I should but I fear that once I start to be truthful about obsessive eating then I will want to talk about painful memories like the misery of childhood taunting from kids at school, teachers and even my own parents. Once I start to openly write about weight loss and weight gain I will want to talk about all those emotions that we share but that I would rather intellectualize about in terms of society and philosophy. Once I start then there is no going back and I would so much rather tell you about the new Danskin plus size line of Activewear and Dancewear in sizes up to 4x. Finally something to wear to Big Moves classes! Click here to purchase Danskin Women’s Dancewear. Enjoy Free Shipping on orders of $75 or more!

Fashion is fun. Fat hatred sucks.

I don’t come to your house and make fun of your curtains but now that I’ve brought it up…you should probably reconsider those sheers in your bathroom.

Am I A Fat Traitor? If I (a) have gained weight and (b) I want to lose weight then am I a traitor to the fat positive cause? I think that many of my body positive blogging friends would say yes. I used to be thinner. I don’t hate myself and I actually spend an embarrassing amount of time admiring myself in mirrors. I will tell anyone who stands still long enough to listen that beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, and yet I still think about losing weight. Marilyn Wann told me to stop thinking about losing weight and to surrender all hope of being thinner. Kate Harding told me that my desire to be thin is based on pure fantasy. And yet I still think about losing weight.

I do agree that my desire to be thinner is completely connected with societal pressure and, as Kate shared so eloquently when she wrote The Fantasy of Being Thin I agree with her that I want to be thin because I imagine that I will magically become a more fascinating, more beautiful, more creative woman when my body fits some ideal size and I know that this is complete bullshit. I-agree-completely-with-every-word-Kate-said. But I still want to be thin.

I told my husband last night that “I want my body back.” Yes I said that out loud. To a man who sees me – yes he really sees me – and loves me. I have gained 35 pounds since we met. I have no children but I did spend a year caring for my sick father and I just couldn’t leave the house, I couldn’t work and I stayed home with him and I ate. But my father died two years ago and I have gained more weight since then.

I know my fatosphere blogging friends might be thinking, “You’ve gained weight? So what?” But you don’t understand I’ve gained 35 pounds! I know that some of my fatosphere friends might be thinking “You’ve gained 35 pounds? Who are you to complain? I’ve gained…insert number of pounds here! No matter. Each of us has our own thing about our bodies and this is mine.

I shared with a friend recently that at one time I was so consumed with self-loathing that I had to force myself to say nice things about myself in the mirror before I left the house just to be able to function through the day. And not just nice things about my personality but nice things about my body. I’ve been asked to write a longer article about that experience for another web site and honestly I’ve been avoiding it because it’s so hard to go there.

Writing about those days will mean reliving them in some way and it is just so damn hard to do that.

Lurkers welcome. I know you are here because Google Analytics tell me you are. You don’t post comments but I know you are reading and I thank you. Please don’t do anything you don’t want to do and if you don’t want to comment then please continue to read and not post comments. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello and I appreciate you. I really really do.

I Like Fat People

I very much appreciate your recent comments on my previous post. Each of you has been insightful and I very much enjoy that you express yourself intelligently and calmly, even when there is disagreement. I think that says a lot about this community.

Size discrimination is such a hot topic and even though there is a great deal of hysteria in the media about obesity I am genuinely amazed that this woman (whose name I won’t mention again) spouting virulent hate speech is getting airtime. Perhaps I am naïve.

Sizeism goes far beyond health matters. I walk into a store and a salesperson will take it upon themselves to let me know that they don’t carry my size. I might be shopping for someone else, I might be a fashion student just looking for inspiration, who knows…but it’s like they want me out of the store because they don’t want any fatties in there.

Generally I wear a size 18. I am about the same size and weight as Joy Nash whose video I have posted here a couple of times. I am bigger than an X-Large in most stores and I am happy when I look in the mirror. I like my shape and I am not desperate to lose weight. There is no heart disease or diabetes or cancer in my family which just means that I am genetically lucky. Thin does not necessarily equal healthy and fat does not necessarily equal unhealthy.

I H*te F*t People

A friend at work yesterday sent me a link to a website and honestly I’m not sure if I’m feeling fury or just outright shock. There is a woman who has created not only a website but what she calls a national organization (complete with an emblem that can be posted on your website) for the purpose of ending obesity, seemingly by the means of shaming and hating anyone she decides is too fat to be seen in public.

If the words “fat” and “obesity” were replaced by any ethnic group that came through Ellis Island she would be branded a bigot, a racist, a supremist.

I’ve read what Meme Roth has to say on her site, “Wedding Gown Challenge” and it looks to me that she has jumped on the hatred bandwagon. In our society it is acceptable to hate people who are fat. This is the last refuge of haters who can no longer publicly hate any other group of people.

Never mind that her comments are fueled by bigotry (this is awful sexist hateful stuff that she is writing) because more than that her method of “helping” fat people (not that any one asked for her help) is to attack the very lives and right to pursue happiness of any person she deems to be too fat. A campaign to eradicate an entire group of human beings is akin to any other “cleansing” program that we have seen in some of the darkest parts of human history.

Ms. Roth believes that BMI should be used to determine if a person should be seen in television and film and that no one who is “obese” should receive any awards or recognition for their accomplishments. To determine a person’s entire worth according to their physical appearance is obscene.

I do wonder if this is a publicity stunt of some kind because her website is purely filled with press releases. How she has managed to get herself on national television news programs spouting her virulent hate speak only proves that our country is experiencing a nationwide witch hunt fueled by the scare tactics of marketing hucksters selling pharmaceuticals and dietary “food” products.

Another scare tactic that Ms. Roth uses is to provide a long list of diseases and complications that she claims obese people are likely to suffer from or make worse and I quote from her site: …”breast cancer, gallstones, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, colon cancer, dementia, infertility—it goes on and on. Not to mention sleep apnea, snoring and psoriasis.” Excuse me?!

Ms. Roth’s site is not based on science. Read Sandy Szwarc’s brilliant and well-researched site, Junk Food Science, for truth about weight and health matters. Ms. Roth’s site is based on bigotry and has no basis on health facts.

I have read on some other blogs that people are outraged and are suggesting some kind of protest. It is my opinion that the more noise we make about Ms. Roth, the more free publicity she receives. I believe that she should be ignored just as I ignore David Duke and eventually she will fade away.

Love your Curves and Be Nice

Anastasia, who writes ChaosNoir, recently posted an article cleverly called The Sinisterhood wherein she describes with heartbreaking clarity some of the ways that your best girlfriends don’t always want the best for you.

I’ve never really trusted this idea of “sisterhood.” Connecting with another human being and sharing a familiarity and comfort based on intimacy and trust makes sense to me but to expect that someone will relate to you within certain understood parameters based purely on gender seems to me naive and risky.

I was very moved by Anastasia’s post while reading about her own experiences in the maternity ward with competitive birthing (soon to be an Olympic event) and I’ve been thinking of the ways that my own girlfriends over the years have exhibited their sinister side all in the same of sisterhood.

There was the time that a friend and I went to a party together and at the end of the night my friend announced that she “wanted” the guy that had been flirting with me all night so to be fair I shouldn’t go out with him. Never mind that she and this guy hadn’t even exchanged one word. When I refused she told me that I couldn’t be trusted because I didn’t honor our sisterhood. Sheesh. Some friend. I thought she was psycho.

But the things that really get to me are when my “sisters” tear each other apart about their body issues. “Have you seen how much weight she’s gained?” “I can’t believe she’s wearing that skirt. I guess she doesn’t care if people see her legs.” “You know, you could have that removed.”

In the name of being supportive we “sisters” create an atmosphere of shame about our bodies. So why would we do this? My theory is that it’s competitive behavior. Competing for what? It looks to me like we are still on the playground competing for popularity. Some people just need to ruin someone else’s self-esteem in order to feel good about themselves.

I feel the same way about being congratulated for “looking thin.” You know what I mean, it’s when someone asks if you’ve lost weight and then adds, “well good for you!” Excuse me but losing weight isn’t like earning your Ph.D, or lifting a car off a toddler. As Joy Nash said in her Fat Rant “it’s just fat. Get a life.”

I think the greatest gift you can give to the world is to have fun. I don’t mean just pursue fun…I mean go out and get it. There is enough suffering in the world without you adding to the miasma whining about your thick ankles. You have really cute ankles. Trust me you do. Your butt? There are plenty of butt and thigh men in the world. Take that butt out dancing. Do not wait until you are thinner. Go now.

Have it all, right now.

And while you are it please be nice to the other girls. No matter how thin, or blond, or accomplished they might be…they are just as nervous about being pretty and being liked as you are. Be the one who builds up self-esteem in others and yours will go up too.

Don Imus fired. Does anyone care?

I have imagined a powerful conversation that might have taken place in the Rutgers locker room that is very different from what I’ve been watching on the Today Show. I imagine Head Coach C. Vivian Stringer has heard that the Rutgers University Scarlet Knight basketball team, her team, is offended and hurt when they hear what Don Imus said. She calls all the young women together for a stern lecture. I imagine her saying, “I hear that some of you are whining about some dumb things that some guy on the radio said. Well cut it out. Some of you are even saying that this dumb cracker stole your joy the morning after your great accomplishment. Well that’s enough. There is no amount of ignorance that can take anything away from you. You are smart, talented, strong, independent, kind young women and you deserve to have it all. Be proud, hold your head up and know that this will not be the last time that this happens. If you fall apart every time someone says something derogatory then you will have to spend time building yourself back up, time better spent doing something you love. If you spend your present reliving the past then the past will dictate your future. Now get out there and play ball.”

I did not listen to the Don Imus show. I was never a fan and I thought him to be an unfunny prejudiced jerk and yet I ask: Will the firing of Don Imus promote literacy and intelligent, educational conversation? Yes, I do understand that words might hurt. The pain may be enormous. Ask any fat kid on the playground and they will tell you. I could tell you. But should Don Imus be fired? Furthermore, does anyone really care that Don Imus got fired or is this all just posturing in a world where being politically correct has destroyed any chance of having an honest conversation about issues that divide people?

I have been hoping that someone would see the humor in this, because surely I am not the only one who found it funny that an old white man would discuss young black women using slang made popular by young black men. It seemed a bit perverted. Such a silly old white man.

I wanted to hear a dialogue with the young women on the Rutgers team that showed how far we have come in terms of how we communicate on issues of race and gender. Yes, racism and sexism exist but are we still having the same argument between villain and victim, the same arguments about inequality between oppressors and oppressed? I hope that we will move beyond this viewpoint toward one where we stand on higher ground. Where is the personal responsibility?

This could have been an opportunity to rise above. In my opinion these young women have been misled to believe that other people have power over them. Unfortunately, they have been guided to cry about being victimized in the face of ignorance. They have been encouraged to meet with Mr. Imus in a grim encounter session where he was expected to grovel and beg forgiveness and they, in turn, told him their names and their educational goals. And how exactly is that going to create awareness on a global scale? Why was it so important to impress Don Imus with the human qualities of the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team? Especially now if he won’t be allowed to use his impressive forum of millions of listeners to proselytize his new politically-correct sense of humor?

In my imagination they could have instead appeared in a sketch on Saturday Night Live, each of them brilliant, successful, beautiful and completely unaffected by a ridiculous buffoon who only sees their hair and skin – a commedia dell’arte idiot. In my imagination they would have appeared at a press conference and performed a number about how no one will be able to steal their joy or quiet their thunder. That is the lesson that I want our daughters of all races, ethnicities, and religion to learn.

Again I ask: Where is the personal responsibility? A parade of commentators portraying themselves as experts on race relations have flooded the media with cries of victimization when a white man repeats language used regularly in the black community. They are insisting that the record labels and radio stations be held accountable, both for the words of rappers and the market that exists for their product. Why are they not marching at the homes of Ludacris and Snoop Dogg holding them responsible for the prevalence of derogatory language about black women?

There is a strong voice is the size-positive movement to fight “sizeism” and the injustices against fat people perpetuated every day. Sizeism is the last acceptable prejudice in our society. I want all people to be seen as worthwhile and beautiful souls and I want A Celebration of Curves to play a role in that coming to be. And, I absolutely believe that whatever I push against will push back. I do not want to participate in an “anti-sizeist” revolution because I believe that a celebration of size acceptance evolution will create an organic shift in our culture that will last for generations.

There have been many times in my life when I felt really good about myself; because of an accomplishment, because I thought I looked good in a new outfit, because I just felt happy and someone has said to me, “now if only you lost some weight.” Yes, those words hurt. Yes, I have allowed those words to form my opinion about my self worth. I have spent years thinking that I was worthless if I was fat. And I am the only one responsible for that. I can not blame my feeling bad about myself on the guy in the bar who approached me by saying, “Hi, do you know how beautiful you would be if you lost some weight?”

I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful woman. I am responsible for feeling good about myself and the words and opinions of others can not take away my joy. Diet ads that try to convince me that I am the “before” picture can not alter that I am a beautiful, strong, kind and creative woman. I am responsible for my reputation and how others see me.

How about you?