COFRA — Show Your Face videos

I have a secret crush. How much do I love Paul McAleer? A lot, that’s how much. Now that it’s not a secret anymore I can tell you that I quote his witty and smart viewpoints on Big Fat Blog to my husband so often (“Oh my god! Paul said something brilliant! Isn’t he dreamy?”) that now he refers to Paul as my internet boyfriend. OK that’s not true – he doesn’t call Paul my internet boyfriend but it sounded so cute that I’m going to leave it in. Go read what Paul has to say and see for yourself.

Paul invited a bunch of us bloggers to get together in Chicago and talk about Fat Rights, calling us the Coalition of Fat Rights Activists. I’ve wanted to attend the COFRA meetings that have taken place in Chicago only to be thwarted at every turn. Once a wedding, once a business meeting, and once I even bought a plane ticket but all flights were canceled because of a snow storm!

Sigh…one day I will meet Paul and hopefully I will not be a drooling fool (“Oh my gawd you are like so cute and stuff!”) but instead I will be witty and profound and we will have a wonderful conversation and I will write about the momentous occasion in my diary, which is this website, so you will be the first to know!

Paul sent out a call for action calling it Dare to Show Your Face. Confront the media’s obsession with images of neck-down fat bodies and show them your beauty. I spent a lot of time last weekend watching and watching again your incredible videos on You Tube and I gotta say, you people are gorgeous! The videos are beyond fantastic, beyond inspiring, beyond my wildest hopes and dreams. Now what with my not-so-secret crush, of course you can see that I am beside myself with Hunky Paul and the thrilling accomplishment of the COFRA Dare to Show Your Face project. See? I told you he was dreamy.

I often wish I could meet the people who read my blog and when I watch these videos I just want to invite you all over for dinner. I’ll make you a nice leg of lamb, unless you’re vegan and then I’ll make ratatouille. We’ll drink wine and laugh and have wonderful conversation. Then we’ll make a body positive, fat rights video. Today You Tube – tomorrow the world!

*Addendum: I just realized that I didn’t give credit to Abby Niederhauser who posted this video. WTG Abby! Please take some time to see the other videos as well.

Random Rants and Dubious Doubts

I am obsessed with food. I just am. That is the truth of my daily existence. I am constantly thinking about food. How much time has passed since I last ate and how soon can I reasonably eat again? What will I eat next? Where am I going to eat? Will I cook or will I order in? I am happy – what can I eat? I am sad – what can I eat?

The question of whether or not I should be obsessed with food is really no one else’s business. It is just a fact of my life that I deal with the same way I deal with everything else in my life like flossing and determining the best location in my kitchen for the compost bucket. I just deal with it privately and with as much grace as I can muster.

My point is — it’s my life. I don’t get in your face about how much makeup you wear, but since you asked — I think you are wearing too much foundation. You look like a clown with that heavy pancake on your face, that shade of lipstick makes your skin look green, and heavy blue eyeshadow went out in the 1970′s and honestly, it didn’t look good back then.

Haters Not Welcome Here. People who post comments on this blog about what other people eat, how much other people eat, whether or not they should eat what they eat, and what type of person is a person who eats whatever it is that you think is the wrong amount of food will just not be tolerated and will be promptly deleted. I am horrified by the virulent comments that I delete on a regular basis. This is a free country and your viewpoints are protected by the constitution. I’d like to remind you that mine are too.

I don’t talk much about my eating here and maybe I should but I fear that once I start to be truthful about obsessive eating then I will want to talk about painful memories like the misery of childhood taunting from kids at school, teachers and even my own parents. Once I start to openly write about weight loss and weight gain I will want to talk about all those emotions that we share but that I would rather intellectualize about in terms of society and philosophy. Once I start then there is no going back and I would so much rather tell you about the new Danskin plus size line of Activewear and Dancewear in sizes up to 4x. Finally something to wear to Big Moves classes! Click here to purchase Danskin Women’s Dancewear. Enjoy Free Shipping on orders of $75 or more!

Fashion is fun. Fat hatred sucks.

I don’t come to your house and make fun of your curtains but now that I’ve brought it up…you should probably reconsider those sheers in your bathroom.

Am I A Fat Traitor? If I (a) have gained weight and (b) I want to lose weight then am I a traitor to the fat positive cause? I think that many of my body positive blogging friends would say yes. I used to be thinner. I don’t hate myself and I actually spend an embarrassing amount of time admiring myself in mirrors. I will tell anyone who stands still long enough to listen that beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, and yet I still think about losing weight. Marilyn Wann told me to stop thinking about losing weight and to surrender all hope of being thinner. Kate Harding told me that my desire to be thin is based on pure fantasy. And yet I still think about losing weight.

I do agree that my desire to be thinner is completely connected with societal pressure and, as Kate shared so eloquently when she wrote The Fantasy of Being Thin I agree with her that I want to be thin because I imagine that I will magically become a more fascinating, more beautiful, more creative woman when my body fits some ideal size and I know that this is complete bullshit. I-agree-completely-with-every-word-Kate-said. But I still want to be thin.

I told my husband last night that “I want my body back.” Yes I said that out loud. To a man who sees me – yes he really sees me – and loves me. I have gained 35 pounds since we met. I have no children but I did spend a year caring for my sick father and I just couldn’t leave the house, I couldn’t work and I stayed home with him and I ate. But my father died two years ago and I have gained more weight since then.

I know my fatosphere blogging friends might be thinking, “You’ve gained weight? So what?” But you don’t understand I’ve gained 35 pounds! I know that some of my fatosphere friends might be thinking “You’ve gained 35 pounds? Who are you to complain? I’ve gained…insert number of pounds here! No matter. Each of us has our own thing about our bodies and this is mine.

I shared with a friend recently that at one time I was so consumed with self-loathing that I had to force myself to say nice things about myself in the mirror before I left the house just to be able to function through the day. And not just nice things about my personality but nice things about my body. I’ve been asked to write a longer article about that experience for another web site and honestly I’ve been avoiding it because it’s so hard to go there.

Writing about those days will mean reliving them in some way and it is just so damn hard to do that.

Lurkers welcome. I know you are here because Google Analytics tell me you are. You don’t post comments but I know you are reading and I thank you. Please don’t do anything you don’t want to do and if you don’t want to comment then please continue to read and not post comments. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello and I appreciate you. I really really do.

The Skin I’m In

As I was getting dressed for work this morning I heard that nagging voice in my head that I sometimes hear when I am getting dressed. That raspy voice like fingernails dragging across my third grade classroom chalkboard, that voice with the morning breath that blows smoke rings in my face. I think that voice must come attached to the Double-X Chromosome because every woman I know occasionally hears this voice. This morning that voice was telling me that I am too fat to wear the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery that I wanted to wear to work today. Never mind feeling how lucky I am to work someplace fun and hip where I could even think about wearing something like that…I just reached for it in my closet and that voice cackled “you’re too fat to wear it.” As someone who goes around telling women that they don’t have to lose weight to be beautiful and that every body is a good body, I find it hard to admit that I have this destructive voice in my head and yet truthfully I do.

When I look in the mirror I really do like what I see. I think that a soft round body is beautiful and I have no desire to have a flat stomach but I am feeling a bit pudgier than I am comfortable being and I haven’t done any yoga postures for a few days. I don’t want to go to a gym so I choose to exercise in my living room. It’s not that I would feel more comfortable going to the gym if there were heavier people teaching some of the classes because really I don’t care who is teaching the classes I just hate going to the gym. That’s why I do yoga at home. That and I love to walk around the lake near my house but I haven’t done either…not for weeks.

Overall I believe in the wisdom of Health at Every Size (HAES). Also, it is easier and more fun to exercise if you already feel good about yourself. It is much harder to be motivated to do things that are good for you if you hate yourself and think that there is no point because no matter what you are still fat and so why bother?

I was reading Kate Harding’s blog Shapely Prose and she recently posted a really insightful piece called “Dumb Luck” about women and self-esteem, body image and finding love. Some of the responses made me cry. She really touched a raw nerve. Women already doubt our attractiveness no matter how beautiful we may be and yet if you add the element of weight then it’s enough of a reason to not enjoy life. I have used my weight as a reason to stay home from a party that I was already dressed for; to cancel vacation plans; to not look in mirrors.

So anyway, I put on the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery (with very dark blue jeans and red heels…eh hem) and I feel great. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Know what I’m saying, dude?

I’ve had it with Kirstie Alley

I’ve had with Kirstie. First, she wants to convince me that life will only be good if I am thin, and now she wants to drag sweet, innocent Valerie Bertinelli down with her into the chasm of self-hatred. Grrrr.

Like it’s not bad enough to be bombarded on a daily basis with marketing images telling me that my luscious self isn’t as beautiful as my husband tells me that I am. Harumpf, I say and Codswallop (whatever that means). A fashion industry dominated by men who aren’t interested in women, certainly not women with curves, is trying to convince me to fit my body into clothes that are designed for women who look like boys…Preposterous!

Kirstie and Valerie look great to me. They are smart, funny, talented women with wide hips and big smiles. But no, they have to live on shakes for lunch and chemically processed pseudo-food in bags that get boiled for dinner. Ugh. And why would they do this? They suffer in order to be thin. This is not for me. As I have already stated, “I would rather have delicious lunches than execute one hundred crunches.”

Health professionals agree that diets don’t work. When you reduce your caloric intake your body thinks that you are starving and slows your metabolism in order to store fat more efficiently. Yes, when you diet your body becomes better at storing fat. In addition, you lose both fat and muscle in equal amounts because your body sacrifices muscle in order to provide the energy that is missing due to reduced caloric intake. And then when you gain weight back it is all fat and no muscle.

I have heard some statistics (don’t ask me to cite references — I’m a blogger not a librarian) that suggest if you want to lose weight in a healthy way and keep it off then you should lose 10% of your body weight a year and keep it off for a full year before you attempt losing more weight. So if you weigh 200 lbs. lose 20 lbs. and keep it off for a year. You will weigh 180 so then lose 18 lbs. and keep it off for a year. You will weigh 162 so then lose 16 lbs. and keep it off for a year and you will weigh 146. Most dieters are so desperate to get thin because of their body shame that they are willing to stop eating so they can lose weight rapidly. They then gain back more than they lost, which is unhealthier than being fat, active and happy.

Businesses looking to make a buck have always suggested that there is something wrong with you the way that you are and that you won’t be right until you use their product. This is ok with me and it’s what marketing is all about. But when companies are shaming women about their body size into starvation diets in order to sell energy pills, diet shakes, and “food” in a box — ladies we really must take a look at why we continue to buy what they are selling…both literally and figuratively.

All in all I really think that women are turning over their power. We doubt our attractiveness. This we do all on our own and we have no one but ourselves to hold accountable. The diet and “health care” industries have found the perfect way to control women. We are weak and can’t think straight when we are hungry.

A life of deprivation is not for me. I won’t be trading in a meal for shakes and I won’t give up my slow stroll around the lake for a run. I love my strong healthy size 16 body and I’m not worrying my life away.

Love your Curves and Be Nice

Anastasia, who writes ChaosNoir, recently posted an article cleverly called The Sinisterhood wherein she describes with heartbreaking clarity some of the ways that your best girlfriends don’t always want the best for you.

I’ve never really trusted this idea of “sisterhood.” Connecting with another human being and sharing a familiarity and comfort based on intimacy and trust makes sense to me but to expect that someone will relate to you within certain understood parameters based purely on gender seems to me naive and risky.

I was very moved by Anastasia’s post while reading about her own experiences in the maternity ward with competitive birthing (soon to be an Olympic event) and I’ve been thinking of the ways that my own girlfriends over the years have exhibited their sinister side all in the same of sisterhood.

There was the time that a friend and I went to a party together and at the end of the night my friend announced that she “wanted” the guy that had been flirting with me all night so to be fair I shouldn’t go out with him. Never mind that she and this guy hadn’t even exchanged one word. When I refused she told me that I couldn’t be trusted because I didn’t honor our sisterhood. Sheesh. Some friend. I thought she was psycho.

But the things that really get to me are when my “sisters” tear each other apart about their body issues. “Have you seen how much weight she’s gained?” “I can’t believe she’s wearing that skirt. I guess she doesn’t care if people see her legs.” “You know, you could have that removed.”

In the name of being supportive we “sisters” create an atmosphere of shame about our bodies. So why would we do this? My theory is that it’s competitive behavior. Competing for what? It looks to me like we are still on the playground competing for popularity. Some people just need to ruin someone else’s self-esteem in order to feel good about themselves.

I feel the same way about being congratulated for “looking thin.” You know what I mean, it’s when someone asks if you’ve lost weight and then adds, “well good for you!” Excuse me but losing weight isn’t like earning your Ph.D, or lifting a car off a toddler. As Joy Nash said in her Fat Rant “it’s just fat. Get a life.”

I think the greatest gift you can give to the world is to have fun. I don’t mean just pursue fun…I mean go out and get it. There is enough suffering in the world without you adding to the miasma whining about your thick ankles. You have really cute ankles. Trust me you do. Your butt? There are plenty of butt and thigh men in the world. Take that butt out dancing. Do not wait until you are thinner. Go now.

Have it all, right now.

And while you are it please be nice to the other girls. No matter how thin, or blond, or accomplished they might be…they are just as nervous about being pretty and being liked as you are. Be the one who builds up self-esteem in others and yours will go up too.

Mom, am I pretty?

Where does self-esteem come from and how do you get more? Can you feel better about yourself by thinking happy thoughts and is your low self-esteem your mother’s fault?

Recently, Alison Lee posted a comment here saying ” Good post! Women suffer from low self esteem due to how they look.” Alison then went on to suggest that you, dear reader, visit her blog via the link so handily provided, where you will learn self-esteem by saying some of her affirmations and watching the movie The Secret.

While I appreciate anyone reading my blog and taking the time to comment and I am always happy to have the movie The Secret mentioned, I must say that I disagree with Alison’s take on my post and it seems to me that she missed the point.

Perhaps it doesn’t really matter if she understands what I am talking about here as it seems that she was just looking for a place to post a link back to her blog but I don’t believe, as she said, that women suffer from low self esteem due to how they look. I believe that women are suffering with low self-esteem and poor body image issues because they are being brainwashed by the fashion and diet industries to believe that there is something wrong with the way that they look.

Women are the targets in a consumer driven war and self doubt is the weapon of choice. We are attacked every time we see a billboard, turn on the television, listen to the radio and go to the mall. Why must I be constantly told that I am the “before” picture every time I want to buy a shirt? It’s because they want you to stop at the drug store and buy a protein shake for lunch and metabolism pills for dinner.

And about those “before” pictures…have you noticed that those women are getting thinner? Does it really make sense to brag that you used to be a size 10 and now you are a size 4? Does anyone else see that this is insanity? Remember, Marilyn Monroe weighed about 150 lbs and wore a size 14.

This is why I so strongly applaud Dove and their two current size positive and age positive campaigns — yes, they are marketing their products but they are using real women in all their ads. The ads for The Campaign for Real Beauty and their line of Pro-Age products are using women of various heights, weights and skin color. These women have wide hips, round bellies, big smiles and all are beautiful. In the Pro Age ads they are using women over 50 with white hair, and they are naked! Without digital enhancement Dove is Celebrating every Curve.

Perfection is the inclusion of things, all experiences, all events in your life. Not the exclusion of those things of which you don’t approve. Look at yourself in the mirror and praise everything you see that you can find approval for and do it for at least 10 minutes. Even if you are saying the same things over and over.

One day, not too long ago, I was feeling very unhappy about my physical appearance so I decided that to change the way I looked I would change the way I thought about myself. I stood in the mirror, looking myself in the eye and saying out loud what I thought was attractive. When I started I could only get as far as my eyebrows and my lips but I repeated “I like my eyebrows, I like the shape of my mouth, I like the outline of my lips,” a few times and then I noticed that my hair looked great so I added “I like my hair.” Then I noticed that my shoulders have a very appealing curve so I added “I like my shoulders.” I had to move to the full-length mirror because there was so much that was great about me. I loved myself so much after 10 minutes that it was hard to leave the mirror.

So to answer my own questions from the first paragraph I would say that self-esteem comes from yourself and you have a limitless supply of more, thinking happy thoughts will absolutely make you feel happy and while it might be your mother’s fault she really did do her best and she has issues of her own so give the gal some credit.