Who Needs Help? Learning to be more loving and less condescending.

I just finished reading a recent post at TwistedBarbiesRevolution. She is a grad student (working on a Masters in Social Work in both Clinical Social Work and Policy and Advocacy) and she is currently working in a drug treatment facility. I found her post very inspiring because she clearly cares about the well-being of her patients and also about the well-being of her profession.

In her post, she talks about the insensitivity of professionals working in the facility with regards to conversations about weight. Constant talk about diets, weight gain=bad, weight loss=good, “tsk tsk she used to be so pretty, too bad she gained weight,” etc. Sometimes the staff are speaking with each other and sometimes they are talking to patients.

TwistedBarbie, in case you are wondering if anyone is listening I want you to know that I am. You have a lot to offer your field, and I really believe that they are lucky to have you, with your specific life experiences and your specific viewpoints. You have an advocate’s voice, something that you don’t always find, even in therapeutic fields.

The stories told in this blog post made me sad. Here are people working in a drug treatment facility, a place where people have come hoping to be helped, with no understanding that some of the patient’s seeking treatment may also have eating disorders. Clearly their good intentions to have everyone stay thin (because we all know that’s ultimately everyone’s goal right?) not only fall short of being helpful but may actually be harmful.

I am also going to admit, although I am not proud of this, that TwistedBarbie’s post made me realize some of the ways that I do this myself. I speak quite passionately about body image and having strong self-esteem no matter what your weight. Lately, I have begun to notice that some of my friends are sounding defensive about their diet goals when I am in the room.

I know that some of my friends are feeling like they have to defend themselves and justify their decision to diet, and this makes me sad. No matter how well-intentioned I may be, my crusade to have them love their bodies at every weight and to see that it is possible to be healthy at every size, may be costing me some intimacy.

It is true that I want some of them to see that becoming Vegan just to lose some weight is ridiculous because it’s not a style of eating that they will maintain and they may very well gain more weight when they return to non-Vegan eating. But they want to hear, “Oh my god you look so thin and beautiful, congratulations!” I know that they are full of pride because it feels like they are working hard to achieve an important goal. And the honest bottom line is that their goals are their own to determine.

I could show them medical research that shows that being Vegan risks brain atrophy and they will show me medical research that screams “fat kills!” OK, it’s really a B12 deficiency that makes your brain shrink and those “fat kills” studies are highly suspect for accuracy. My point here is that one way of eating, no matter how healthy it may seem, isn’t for everyone and everyone needs to make their own decision about what they eat.

I believe that you only offer to help people when you think that they are in some way incompetent, or if you think that they can’t do it themselves. You might instead ask to join them if what they are doing looks like fun. Perhaps you would say, “Can I be of help?” or “Do you think you can use me?” But saying, “Do you need help?” feels rude to me. I am beginning to see that I have been giving unasked-for body image and diet advice. I have been offering to help people who really don’t need me to tell them what to do with their lives.

When I tell people that I love that instead of having weight loss goals, they should consider instead health and fitness goals, understanding that they may not even lose any weight, this probably sounds crazy and may even seem to them that I am trying to stop them from accomplishing something important, even life saving.

I feel very uncomfortable when I am with my dieting friends. I want to scream when I hear the constant praise for choosing to not eating something “bad,” and praise for being “good” when someone brags about what they didn’t eat. But I am beginning to see that perhaps they are just as uncomfortable about my health and body image viewpoints as I am with theirs.

They never asked for my help in improving their self-esteem and for the most part my friends are a very self-confident bunch. There is just this area around weight and body size where I see an enormous amount of self-doubt. In their minds this increased interest in eating less in order to lose weight is about improving their health and feeling good.

I may want to help someone love their body, and to see that beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, but judging them negatively is not helping in any way. They really are just doing their best to feel good, be healthy, and enjoy their lives. This is the particular path that they are taking and truthfully I don’t have to be victimized by the presence of diet talk.

As TwistedBarbie may be finding out, I think that sometimes people are drawn to working in a psychology based field because they really need some psychological help themselves. Perhaps I am drawn to blogging not only because I want to be heard, but because ultimately, I want to learn to listen.

Leaving for Mexico

The hubs and I are at JFK about to board our flight for Cancun. Thank you Jet Blue for the free internet service!

We will be staying at a resort in Playa del Carmen. This week we will be snorkeling, parasailing, and visiting Chichen Itza! I’ll update as I can depending on internet service.

Asta la vista baby!

National Men Cook Dinner Day Means That I Ate Very Well Indeed

Did you know that yesterday was National Men Cook Dinner Day? Yes, it’s true. All across the land, men cooked dinner for their wives. Really. All of them. I’m sure of it.

If you read Elastic Waist then you already know how well Weetabix ate last night. Until I get an invite over to enjoy some of Esteban’s cooking, I’ll just have to take her word for it. Weet? Call me k?

I too can brag that my husband has several dishes that he does particularly well. My personal fave is his Chicken Parmigiana.

Seriously, it’s the best I have ever eaten in my entire life. Yes, I know that I am biased but OMG it is so seriously delicious that I don’t let him cook it for my single girlfriends when they come visit. I mean it - back off bitch I saw him first.

What does he do to make this amazing meal? I’ve stood by his side assisting and I can tell you that it’s nothing different from what anyone else would do, but I do think that there is something to say for the details. He begins with fresh ingredients and he hovers over those cutlets through each step until they are absolute perfection. I’ll give you the step-by-step directions but honestly, I believe in my heart that the ingredient that he adds, the one thing that makes his Chicken Parm the bestest ever of all time is the one thing that I adore about him the most - his love.

Step 1. He buys boneless, skinless chicken breast and slices the cutlet thin. Then he pounds the cutlet even thinner.

Step 2. He dips in egg, let’s excess drip off, and then dips in breadcrumbs. He uses 4 Seasons Bread Crumbs. We’ve used other brands and keep coming back to 4 Seasons. It’s fresh and has loads of herbs so it’s very flavorful.

Step 3. He places breaded cutlet in a frying pan with about 3 inches of vegetable or canola oil and he watches it carefully. As soon as a cutlet starts to brown, he flips it over. And as soon as the other side is brown he gets it out of the oil and onto a plate with paper towels to cool, allowing excess oil to be absorbed.

Step 4. While the frying is happening, he preheats the oven to 400 degrees. The breaded cutlets go into another frying pan and he covers each with a liberal amount of marinara (either some that I’ve made or in a pinch - Prego), and thick slices of mozzarella.

Step 5. Because he gets the cutlets out of the oil as soon as they are brown and then out of the oven as soon as the cheese melts, nothing is overcooked.

The result is a melt-in-your-mouth ohmygodthisisamazing chicken-sauce-cheese-breading piece of heaven. My husband seriously makes the most tender, scrumptious, delicate chicken parmigiana on the planet. Lucky me!

Phoenix Day 2

I took out the camera to take digital picture last night and realized that I didn’t pack my battery charger. Off to yet another store for items not packed!

I love my husband’s family. They are close, they are fun, and they are really just great to hang out with.

We leave the beautiful Sheraton 4 Points at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow and drive to Joshua Tree National Park. I am so excited! This hotel is perhaps the nicest and largest hotel room I have ever slept in, and I travel on business very often. I see a lot of hotels and this is really gorgeous and affordable.

Today we drove with family to Fountain Hills, Arizona to see one of the world’s tallest fountains. They have a 560 foot tall plume of water. In the desert. That is really a lot of water.

The hubs and I are having the most fun we have ever had on a vacation together. We are sooooo relaxed.

More soon when I have the camera batteries charged.

Vacation Fun

The hubs and I are at JFK getting ready to go to Phoenix to visit his brother and sister-in-law. Then we rent a car and drive through Joshua Tree, up through the California desert to the Bay Area to visit friends this weekend. We fly out of San Francisco, back to JFK.

I highly recommend Park, Sleep, Fly because seriously, we spent the night within a 10 minute shuttle ride of the terminal, we didn’t have to fight rush hour traffic this morning, and our one night stay includes free parking for the week we are gone. In total, this cost us less than parking in the long term lot at the airport.

There is free wifi at the hotels we are staying at so I’ll posting travel reports and some pics.

OMG I just realized that I didn’t pack a razor. Off to the drug store as soon as we land!

Anyone know anything about Fox Car Rental? I had never heard of them but they have a desk at the Phoenix Airport and had a great deal.

More soon!

The easiest random act of kindness you’ve ever done.

Please click this link, jaxcheryl needs a tech makeover, to do real good in someone’s life and all you have to do it click your mouse.

The Need a Tech Makeover? website is sponsored by FM, an advertising company, and I think it is also sponsored by Intel. I’m not certain about all the particulars from just reading the “about this site” link. All I can tell you for sure is that it’s a contest where you write in why you deserve to win a “tech makeover” and then people vote for whomever they think deserves it most.

This information came to me from a blog I read regularly, Moosh in Indy. Originally, the author was applying for herself and then she read about “jaxcheryl needs a tech makeover.” Two days ago she wrote a new message on her blog encouraging her readers to vote for a quadriplegic father, a former fire fighter injured and now home bound. He is in desperate need of new voice recognition software to operate not only his computer but also the automatic door that would allow him to leave the house in case of emergency.

Sounds to me like someone who could use some help. He would need over a thousand votes to win and he was under 500 votes the last time I checked this morning. If you feel so inclined, please click on the link and help this family. I did this morning.

Thank you.

Strange Food Bedfellows

I don’t even know where to begin.

PETA Urges Ben & Jerry’s To Use Human Milk.

VERMONT — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, co-founders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow’s milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

“PETA’s request comes in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow’s milk in the food he serves,” the statement says.

In a statement Ben and Jerry’s said, “We applaud PETA’s novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother’s milk is best used for her child.“

Emphasis mine.

I poked around all the many links I could find on this and the article at Times UK Online had the most detail, including the Swiss government’s reaction and promise to shut the restaurant down if the Chef/Owner attempts to serve human breast milk. They are saying that this is because human breast milk is not regulated and their is no way to ensure how old it is, or that is has been properly refigerated. I’ll let you read for yourself but here is a yummy breast milk sauce recipe.

Chantarelle sauce with breast milk and cognac

— Warm up olive oil with cinnamon and flambéed cognac

— Add white wine and stir

— Add breast milk and stir

— Add whipped cream

— Serve with antelope steak or other grilled meat and black Piedmont rice

Garnish with vegetables.

So please tell me - which grilled vegetable best complement Antelope Steak served with a breast milk sauce?

And for dessert?

And then after dinner you’ll be in the mood!

Learning to love my life in the burbs.

I could buy this at Get Organized
Honestly, do I really need a special gizmo to store my spices? Well I know I don’t need it, but I really really want it.

I live in an 800 sq. ft. house with a galley kitchen. Living in my house is like living on a boat — you have to make the most of every square inch. Most New York City people learn how to organize small spaces because that’s the way we live. I once met someone who actually rented a closet with a single mattress on the floor as his bedroom. But I was always very fortunate in my urban rental experiences.

During all those years of city dwelling I bounced from one enormous Upper West Side/East Village/Greenwich Village illegal sublet to another. I had friends who inherited leases (sadly a disappearing entitlement) to spacious lofts, or lived in their parents townhouse while mom and dad lived in the Caribbean, or who lived in massive apartments in pre-war buildings with 24-hour doormen on duty, and they all needed a roommate who could cook. Having a dinner party for fifteen artsy fartsy types? Your sorority/fraternity/book club coming over and you really want to impress? What do you do when you live in luxury but you don’t have the trust fund to go with it? I’m your girl. You buy the groceries, get out of the kitchen and I’ll whip up something marvelous. Just be clear that you are washing the dishes.

Then I met this wonderful man and truly he is Prince Charming on a garbage truck (yes I married the garbage man) and he owned a house in Westchester. And I thought gee whiz! A house with a yard and a nice lake around the corner! How wonderful! And then I went slowly out of my mind the first year I lived there because of the endless monotonous chirping of the crickets, the lack of excellent take-out, and the complete absence of closets in our home.

I never realized that I had a fear of all things domestic, but it turned out to be true. Here in the burbs, an affordable housekeeper is hard to find and guess what? I hate to clean. Cooking doesn’t count as a chore because for me it is both meditation and art. Finally, I got a grip and decided to conquer my fear of all things domestic. I bought those heavy duty yellow rubber gloves for scrubbing the toilet. And I have become obsessed with organic gardening. Next year, I’m going to enter my enormous zucchini in the local Grange Fair because I have to do something with the energy that I used to release pushing and shoving riding the subways and besides what else was I going to do with all that grass I mean for goddess sake there was A LOT of grass.

This is available from TaylorGifts.com
Just look at that sales pitch! From Home Mess to Home Office! It’s like they’re reading my mind. Recently I have developed a thing (you could even call it a crush) for these home organization catalogs. They whisper sweetly in my ear about ending clutter and clearing physical space so that I can be more creative. With no clutter I will write my screenplay, win the Academy Award and finally use that acceptance speech that I’ve been practicing in the shower since I was nine.

It is true that:

I could buy this from TaylorGifts.com
Is this the magic item that will save my counters from *Pot Sprawl? Well is it? Because I really really want it. I want this pot lid holder to save me from myself, to free my counters for the food prep that god intended them for and to give me the peace of mind to sit quietly at my kitchen table writing fiction and dreaming of walk-in closets.

Sprawl: n. The unplanned, uncontrolled spreading of urban development into areas adjoining the edge of a city.

Pot Sprawl: n. The unplanned, uncontrolled spreading of pot lids into areas adjoining the stove, fridge and dish washer.

How to Wear Svoboda Jeans and Costume Jewelry to a 4-star restaurant

My grandmother Rose worked in New York City sweatshops. She was a seamstress, even making the cream and gold brocade fitted jacket and matching pencil skirt that my mother wore to her wedding. Very chic for 1963! Grandma Rose taught me much about how to put together a wardrobe. She said that it was much more important to have a few well-made, what she called “important,” pieces in your closet that you could creatively mix with simpler pieces (less expensive fabrics, good leather shoes and handbags, accessories, etc.) than to have many mediocre items. That way you create your own personal style.

Grandma Rose also said that a single girl with a closet full of poorly made clothing is a woman who won’t get a husband. I know, it’s not like you’re dressing to get a man. I didn’t even before I got married because I dressed to please myself. But what can I tell you? Grandma worked, and she may have had secret meetings with union organizers in her lower east side apartment, and encouraged her single daughter to travel the world and go to college in the 1950’s, but she also firmly believed that young women are supposed to get married.

So if you are dressing for yourself, dressing to compete with other well-dressed women, dressing to impress at the corporate holiday party, or dressing to find a single doctor/attorney who might just be having dinner at a 4-star restaurant - here is where to buy the pieces in my Svoboda for a 4-Star Restaurant Stylebook for yourself:

Cybele’s Leaf Gold Dangle Earrings - $ 30.00
From: Emitations.com You can wear the big hoops that the model is wearing (also available from Emitations) or these cute gold-ish dangle earrings.

Sheila’s Faux Turquoise Cocktail Ring - $ 39.95
From: Emitations.com I am going to get one of these for myself. If you get one too, then we can Wonder Twins! If you get that reference please leave me a comment and you will be my new BFF!

Igigi Dupioni Silk Wrap Blouse in terracotta.

From Jessica Svoboda - Cate, the wide leg trouser jean in black available from Lee Lee’s Valise. $118.00. These are two killer pieces. The Igigi silk wrap blouse is only $150, which is quite the bargain considering the fabric and the tailoring. It is exquisite, and would make a smart addition to your collection of “important” pieces. Svoboda jeans are just a necessity. Like oxygen only with different molecules.

I would finish this outfit with these cute shoes from Zappos. They go up to size 13 and come in medium and wide. Remember .

Next week will feature more fashion news. Tonight I am attending the 2nd Annual Art of Curves Fashion Event. If you are in New York City, you can Buy Tickets and you can gain entry to an evening of plus size fashion and cocktails. I’m wearing my new fuchsia blouse with my wide leg Ryder jeans and a denim jacket. There will be pics!

I heart Jessica Svoboda, Anna Scholz and Lee Lee’s Valise

Thursday - 8:00 p.m.

Last night was so damn fabulous that I almost did not go directly to bed when I got home at 1:00 a.m. I almost went directly to my computer so that I could tell you all about my fun night. That way you could entertained while eating your oatmeal in the morning. But my husband, the practical one, had other ideas and so off to dream land went I where visions of sugar plums and designer clothes danced in my head.

I attended a designer trunk show in Brooklyn and you are going to be so happy that I was there on your behalf! There was wine my friends, and delightful little bites of mozzarella, tomato and basil on crusty bread because Lisa Dolan, owner and enchantress of Lee Lee’s Valise, knows how to do it right.

I was greeted with a glass of bubbly the moment I stepped inside. Let me tell you that after driving an hour on the BQE in rush hour there is no better tonic and all-around refresher than a glass of Prosecco. This weekend I’ll be enjoying Godiva & Champagne – elegant, decadent and delicious. Exclusively from Wine.com.

At this moment with Prosecco poised at my ruby red lips I, your intrepid fashion reporter, realized that I left my digital camera at home. Sigh. And egad. And oy vey. Thank goodness there were photogs aplenty there last night and pictures will be posted at a later date. Mea Culpa!

With drink in hand I made a bee line directly for Anna Scholz. At 6′1″ with long luxurious blonde hair flowing past her shoulders, Madame Scholz is a striking figure. Her clothes are absolutely divine. Anna’s training in fashion design, including making her own patterns, is evident in the details of each piece. She was surrounded by admirers eager for her attention and assistance in pre-ordering items from the samples of the Fall line that she brought with her from England.

The Anna Scholz Fall Line is breathtaking. The pieces I saw featured exquisite fabrics expertly tailored, with elements of shirring and delicate pleating. Her fabrics are luscious and the quality of each piece is something I don’t see that often in plus size fashion. I am so very glad that Anna made time to speak with me about her line, her design vision and the importance of tailoring. We had an exciting conversation and I will share my interview with her in a few days, when I have pics.

I also had a lovely time with the Svoboda sisters, business partners Jessica and Kristen. They are too cute to be believed! I found them both to be very approachable, quick witted and eager to meet their customers. Kristen told me that after so many visits to New York, meeting customers at Lee Lee’s, that they have just as many friends here as at home in California.

I thoroughly enjoyed meeting them both, hearing about running the business from Kristen and talking about fabric design and manufacturing with Jessica. I promise a detailed interview next week, but let me just tell you that the new Fall 2008 Svoboda line is total rock and roll. I tried on a sample pair of hot tangerine jeans that fit so perfectly and looked so great and got me so many compliments as I strutted around showing everyone my ass that they almost had to rip them off my body before I would take them off.

Thanks Lisa for a great time, and for bringing beautiful plus size fashion to an intimate and luxurious boutique. See you soon and send me those pictures!