My Wifey Spidey Senses are Tingling

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
–James Thurber

Things I have repeatedly said to my husband:

1. Honey please don’t grab my ass/boobs in public.
2. Honey please don’t grab my ass/boobs while I’m cooking.
3. Honey please don’t grab my ass/boobs while I’m gardening.
4. Honey please don’t grab my ass/boobs while we’re shopping.

My husband isn’t grabby all the time, everywhere we go. Generally he is very tender and demonstrative. But sometimes, he is grabby. And this usually means that I snap at him. He then laughs because he says that I am sexy when I am angry and he has admitted that he makes me mad on purpose because he likes it so much. This totally burns me up so of course he does it again. And again and again.

I know that it’s better to have a husband who wants to grab my ass/boobs than one who never wants to touch me. Really, I do know this. And a part of me is bragging, “Look how my man can’t keep his hands off me! I effing rock!” And a part of me is complaining, “Look how my man can’t keep his hands off me! This effing sucks!”

More things that I have repeatedly said to my husband:

1. Honey please don’t grab my ass/boobs in the supermarket.
2. Honey please don’t grab my ass/boobs while I’m driving. OK, for the sake of clarity, it’s really just my boobs that he grabs while I’m driving.
3. Honey please don’t grab my ass/boobs during the party. It’s just not that kind of party.

Now that I have been married 1.5 years I have the benefit of wisdom that comes from experience. I am beginning to catch on that sometimes he pushes my buttons for more attention because he just really perversely enjoys pushing my buttons, but what gets my intuition buzzing? I think that he does it to get me to pay attention to him. Eureka! I really think I’m on to something here.

I’ve been working on a collection of short stories. Every night after work I go to my second job. I sit at the kitchen table completely ignoring him, typing away. He says that he is proud of me and I believe him when he says that he wants me to do well, and to feel fulfilled with my writing. I also know that he needs some attention. And if I don’t give it to him he will figure out a way to get me to notice him.

These are not my boobs.

My husband is a wonderful man. He has never once complained that I have gained 30 pounds since we met 5 years ago. This summer we’ve been very active and while I’ve lost a bit of weight, he says that he doesn’t even remember what I looked like thinner and that he loves my body now. He gives me tons of compliments, is fun to hang out with and is very good to my mother. My husband is a dreamboat. Somehow I still find things to complain about. The more I think of it…he’s an effing saint to live with me.

I think if he were on his deathbed and I bent over to hear his final whispered words he would still reach up for a handful of boobie.

And that is definitely bragging.