The Skin I’m In

As I was getting dressed for work this morning I heard that nagging voice in my head that I sometimes hear when I am getting dressed. That raspy voice like fingernails dragging across my third grade classroom chalkboard, that voice with the morning breath that blows smoke rings in my face. I think that voice must come attached to the Double-X Chromosome because every woman I know occasionally hears this voice. This morning that voice was telling me that I am too fat to wear the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery that I wanted to wear to work today. Never mind feeling how lucky I am to work someplace fun and hip where I could even think about wearing something like that…I just reached for it in my closet and that voice cackled “you’re too fat to wear it.” As someone who goes around telling women that they don’t have to lose weight to be beautiful and that every body is a good body, I find it hard to admit that I have this destructive voice in my head and yet truthfully I do.

When I look in the mirror I really do like what I see. I think that a soft round body is beautiful and I have no desire to have a flat stomach but I am feeling a bit pudgier than I am comfortable being and I haven’t done any yoga postures for a few days. I don’t want to go to a gym so I choose to exercise in my living room. It’s not that I would feel more comfortable going to the gym if there were heavier people teaching some of the classes because really I don’t care who is teaching the classes I just hate going to the gym. That’s why I do yoga at home. That and I love to walk around the lake near my house but I haven’t done either…not for weeks.

Overall I believe in the wisdom of Health at Every Size (HAES). Also, it is easier and more fun to exercise if you already feel good about yourself. It is much harder to be motivated to do things that are good for you if you hate yourself and think that there is no point because no matter what you are still fat and so why bother?

I was reading Kate Harding’s blog Shapely Prose and she recently posted a really insightful piece called “Dumb Luck” about women and self-esteem, body image and finding love. Some of the responses made me cry. She really touched a raw nerve. Women already doubt our attractiveness no matter how beautiful we may be and yet if you add the element of weight then it’s enough of a reason to not enjoy life. I have used my weight as a reason to stay home from a party that I was already dressed for; to cancel vacation plans; to not look in mirrors.

So anyway, I put on the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery (with very dark blue jeans and red heels…eh hem) and I feel great. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Know what I’m saying, dude?

Size 14 = Size Anxiety

Today I gave a friend a dress that I never wore. I bought it on EBay and it turned out to be a Junior Size 14 and not a Woman’s Size 14. Oh well. If I had bought it directly through a store like I should have, instead of being cheap about my wardrobe then I wouldn’t have gotten conned so I have only myself to blame for this phony dress. Well, it’s not a phony dress, it’s a real dress…just not my size.

So this dress was just folded on a shelf in my closet with the original tags on it and I thought that I should just give it to someone who would enjoy wearing it and so I did and she tried it on immediately and it was like it was made for her it because it really fit perfectly. It’s black velvet and it’s beautiful. And everyone in the office was oohing and aahing and all she could say was, “Oh my God I’m not a size 14!” And I said…who cares you’re just going to rip the tag off anyway. Tell people it’s a size 8 and forget it. But no…she was close to tears because the tag had a number 14 on it.

Yes she did thank me and yes she does love it and yes she is going to wear it but I have to say that I was just horrified by her reaction to that tag.

Dress for Success. Why do women equate successful shoppping with a successful life?

I decided long ago that trying to determine if an outfit looks good while in a store dressing room was an experience that might make me ready for the therapy couch. I am already in an uncomfortable state of mind just looking at myself mostly undressed under fluorescent lights, worrying about the price and worrying about who had this one before me and did she shower? Yeah, I think about that stuff. That’s why I decided to order clothing online, try it on at home with a glass of champagne and a bowl full of strawberries ready for consumption. I hate shopping for clothes…ok that’s not true. I hate trying on clothes in store dressing rooms. So I do it in the comfort of my own home.

So many women equate successful shopping with living a successful life that if we don’t feel good in the items we try on then we feel like we are a failure. Stop the insanity! Sweetie if you love the dress but it doesn’t fit do not buy it thinking that you will lose a few pounds. If you do lost weight it will be out of style byt then anyway. Do not buy it just because you like the lace trim. Only buy it when you love it. There really are clothes that fit you, made just for your body type and you will feel good in them and look like you just got an Oprah Makeover.

We’ll be reviewing some plus size shopping tips over the next few days so stay tuned and please post a comment letting me know what info you want. I am planning on discussing How To Shop for Swimsuit (it’s that time), How to Measure Yourself for a Bra (it’s always that time), and Accessories for Your Body Type.

On a personal note — while we were on vacation in Mexico not too long ago, my friend Deb convinced me to buy a pair of earrings and a bracelet. Both are silver and quite large pieces that I would never have looked at twice if she hadn’t been there to talk sense into me. She is a master of accessories and I will usually just run out the door happy that my hair looks decent…and honestly sometimes I don’t even check my hair until I’m in the car. I wore the pieces to a party recently and I have never received so many compliments on how I look. So now Deb is my accessory consultant. Sometimes you just need a friend as a shopping buddy. I know I do!

Love your Curves and Be Nice

Anastasia, who writes ChaosNoir, recently posted an article cleverly called The Sinisterhood wherein she describes with heartbreaking clarity some of the ways that your best girlfriends don’t always want the best for you.

I’ve never really trusted this idea of “sisterhood.” Connecting with another human being and sharing a familiarity and comfort based on intimacy and trust makes sense to me but to expect that someone will relate to you within certain understood parameters based purely on gender seems to me naive and risky.

I was very moved by Anastasia’s post while reading about her own experiences in the maternity ward with competitive birthing (soon to be an Olympic event) and I’ve been thinking of the ways that my own girlfriends over the years have exhibited their sinister side all in the same of sisterhood.

There was the time that a friend and I went to a party together and at the end of the night my friend announced that she “wanted” the guy that had been flirting with me all night so to be fair I shouldn’t go out with him. Never mind that she and this guy hadn’t even exchanged one word. When I refused she told me that I couldn’t be trusted because I didn’t honor our sisterhood. Sheesh. Some friend. I thought she was psycho.

But the things that really get to me are when my “sisters” tear each other apart about their body issues. “Have you seen how much weight she’s gained?” “I can’t believe she’s wearing that skirt. I guess she doesn’t care if people see her legs.” “You know, you could have that removed.”

In the name of being supportive we “sisters” create an atmosphere of shame about our bodies. So why would we do this? My theory is that it’s competitive behavior. Competing for what? It looks to me like we are still on the playground competing for popularity. Some people just need to ruin someone else’s self-esteem in order to feel good about themselves.

I feel the same way about being congratulated for “looking thin.” You know what I mean, it’s when someone asks if you’ve lost weight and then adds, “well good for you!” Excuse me but losing weight isn’t like earning your Ph.D, or lifting a car off a toddler. As Joy Nash said in her Fat Rant “it’s just fat. Get a life.”

I think the greatest gift you can give to the world is to have fun. I don’t mean just pursue fun…I mean go out and get it. There is enough suffering in the world without you adding to the miasma whining about your thick ankles. You have really cute ankles. Trust me you do. Your butt? There are plenty of butt and thigh men in the world. Take that butt out dancing. Do not wait until you are thinner. Go now.

Have it all, right now.

And while you are it please be nice to the other girls. No matter how thin, or blond, or accomplished they might be…they are just as nervous about being pretty and being liked as you are. Be the one who builds up self-esteem in others and yours will go up too.