Beating Idiots with a Stick Since 2007

Sometimes the best way to combat complacency in the face of idiocy is to scream “fuck” at the top of your lungs. Last night I saw that Realize-Band ad again. The one where an attractive but fat married couple say all the things that they would do if only they were thin. I thought about writing a post on that ad when it first came out, but I try to keep the vibes positive here and I didn’t want to rant. I’ve been trying to find a way to comment on these ads without obscenities but I have decided that it’s not possible. I’ve been screaming “fuck” in my mind and now I’m ready to say it out loud.

Have you seen these ads? Of course you have. I want to scream (like in the movie “Network”) right out my office window, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!” Except that my office building is on a driveway a mile from the main road and I think that I would only frighten squirrels.

“I want to go to Paris with my husband?” Is this loathsome ad effective? Probably. People hate themselves for many reasons. But I’m going to tell you something that you already know – you can go to Paris any time you damn well want to go to Paris and you don’t have to wait until you’re thin. Personally, I don’t know that you really want to go to Paris because the exchange rate is crap right now and Paris is really expensive anyway, and it won’t necessarily be as romantic as you might imagine – I mean having a picnic at your local park or on the living room floor can be very romantic, and the Seine is filthy although a few years back they did clean the city a bit. Of course the food is fantastic, the architecture beautiful, the history, the culture, the Rodin Museum…ok so you might want to go to Paris. I suppose if you have never been, and you are longing for Paris, then you might want to see the City of Lights. But now you know that you can’t. Not until you lose weight because everyone knows that fat people can’t get on an airplane or go on vacation.

“I want to dance with my husband,” she says wistfully. Well then do it but remember that because you are both fat you probably have been told that you just can’t, or that people will look at you funny if you are a fat dancer, so it’s probably better to just wait until you finally get thin. Those corporate surgery people have never seen Big Moves in action.

Seriously, all I am asking for is some common sense. If you found this blog because you are thinking about the Realize-Band for yourself, if you want to lose weight, or just exercise, or just be mentally healthy, fucking hell wouldn’t motion be a good idea? Wouldn’t encouraging people to move more be a smart thing? But no – these Realize-Band people want to convince you that you can’t even fucking dance alone in your home in front of the fucking television until you have surgery. Because giving a corporation thousands of dollars for surgery that requires bed rest and recovery with the potential for horrible complications would be much better for you than dancing, loving, having fun and feeling good in your own skin. Their website even says that you exercising is an important part of losing weight even with this mutilating procedure. I also know that there are people for whom movement is a painful struggle because of illness, joint pain, etc. and of course I understand that your personal relationship with movement is different from mine.

In addition to Kirsty Alley, Valerie Bertinelli (I just had to search IMDB for One Day At A Time because I couldn’t remember her name), Queen Latifah and Phylicia Rashad who are all selling diet “food,” Wynonna Judd has recently jumped on the bandwagon to sell that nasty pill and you know the one I mean. These ads all share the same theme, that you can’t have any fun until you get thin and you must have this product or you will just have to stay in your house hiding in shame. I know that product marketing needs to convince you, the Buyer, that you are a miserable loser unless you buy/own/use the sacred Product. But there are other ways aren’t there? Other than convincing the target consumer that they can’t leave the fucking house because they are too loathsome to be seen in public, but maybe not.

You don’t find this type of emotional terrorism in a blender ad. Just a company trying to convince you that their blender is better than the competition. Their blender would be a good investment, make kitchen prep easier, save you time and money. Oh and by they way, you are a worthless drain on society and your life totally sucks without this blender. Um…no. Just…no.

I was outraged when I read that the brilliant, beautiful Amanda Palmer was being given a load of crap by an executive at her record company because of her lovely soft belly. In response her fans created the website The Rebellyon, which is really a lot like Bellies are Beautiful. When a clearly slender woman has her career compromised because she still isn’t thin enough then it’s time to take out the big whoop ass stick and start head bashing. And thank you Amanda for saying, “i’m not TRYING to look hungry. i’m trying to look HOT. there’s a difference.”

I know I’m not the first blogger to complain about these ads and honestly, I hope I’m not the last. I’m hoping that there will be more outraged blogs every time another idiot opens up their mouth to tell people that their appearance isn’t quite up to the standards of the vile men of Maxim so please go home so we don’t have to look at you.

Tell me – what TV Commercials make you want to throw the controller at the screen?