Birthday reflections: cancer, aging and mom.

Yesterday, October 28, 2009, I turned 42. I barely noticed when I turned 40, but this birthday is full of meaning and self-reflection.

I have been writing this blog since 2006. I have achieved many of my goals. I have many readers, I have connected with a wonderful community of bloggers, and I created This Lush Life, a shopping website primarily focused on fashionable clothes for full-figured women.

There is still more to do. I’d like to see more fashion segments on television including plus sizes, and to see those segments styled much more fashionably than they are currently. Also, I am struggling with the technology behind my new website design and I would like to just wake up tomorrow morning with a deep and profound insight into how to make it work so that I can get it up and running. I’d like to see people of all sizes treated with dignity and respect and have affordable health care.

I have personal, non-website related goals as well. I’d like to publish my fiction – hell I want to be famous for my fiction truth be told. I want to continue traveling the world – see more countries and visit friends overseas more often. I’d like to go hear live music more often and read more books. This year I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I like myself, I like my appearance, and I like my husband. I hope that I never feel old, that I continue to improve my communication skills so that I can be more kind and loving, and I’d like to do more charity work.

But overall, I am most focused these days on my relationship with my mother and her fight against a rare form of Lymphoma. Over the years she and I have been frequently combative and our relationship has been filled with angry recriminations for unjust behavior on both our parts.

Experiencing her strength and determination through chemotherapy is helping me find a sweetness and a sense of calm acceptance in my feelings for her that I have never felt before. Over the last few weeks I have begun to confront that my life, my actual existence, is a direct result of two people wanting to have another human being to share their love with, and this has been a humbling realization. A friend recently asked me to describe the ways that she and I are similar and truthfully, while I have fought this for decades, she and I are so much alike that it would be a shorter list to describe the ways we are not alike.

So on my birthday this year I ask not what my mom is going to do for me, but what I can do for her. It seems that what she wants now is all that she has ever wanted – for me to be happy and to occasionally spend some fun time with her. And I am finding more and more that hanging out with my mom is a very good way to spend the day.

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End Fat Talk Week – The Video and The Pledge

I am so completely inspired by the work that the Tri-Delts do on campuses around the country that I am just going to quote from the their website. Their own words are way better than anything I can say. Please watch the video below, and below that please read the discussion questions that they have provided.

Fat Talk Free® Week (Oct 19 – 23, 2009) is an international, 5-day body activism campaign that draws attention to body image issues and the damaging impact of the thin ideal on women in society. This annual public awareness effort was borne from Tri Delta’s award-winning body image education and eating disorders prevention program, Reflections: Body Image Program™.

End Fat Talk

I have a strong circle of girlfriends and we are committed to increasing the amount of nice and positive comments we make about our bodies, and decreasing the negative ones.

We are surrounded by images of young thin women that are held as the paragon of virtue and beauty. I wake up every day, stand in front of my mirror naked and say three nice things about my body – below the neck. When I see my own beauty, in my own shape, I am not so easily threatened by the beauty of others.

I am practicing this with increasing levels of success. Saying “thank you” when receiving a compliment is certainly a more hedonistic approach to living. It is nice to be polite and feels good to the receiver and the giver of the compliment.

Starting now, I will strive for a healthy ideal, which I know looks different for every woman, and focuses on health, not weight or size.

I will celebrate the things about myself and the women in my life that have nothing to do with how we look.

I decide to end Fat Talk NOW!

Sign the promise form here: Promise

If you feel so inspired, I would love to hear your thoughts on the video and discussion questions. What do you think of the message that girls should focus on health instead of appearance? Does this encourage girls to love the skin they are in, or does it create just another expectation for right and wrong eating and exercising behaviors?

I love what the Tri-Delts are doing and I love the public action that they take to combat the judgmental ways that girls are unkind to themselves and each other. I would like to see this campaign built around encouraging girls to pursue their goals, live out their dreams, and build friendships by being kind and supportive in their communities, rather than focus on their bodies at all.

What do you think? Did you sign the pledge?

JMS new clothing line is a win for plus size women.

I was very pleased to be invited to the unveiling of the new fashion line from JMS. You are undoubtedly familiar with the exclusively plus size manufacturer. I’ve liked this company for a long time, not just because they made quality bras for my size, but because they use plus size models in all their marketing. The clothing seen in the ads is “actual size” and I applaud the company for their use of larger size models.

Maybe you already wear their bras and panties, sportswear and bathing suits? I sure do. Good fabrics, well made, and they fit well because the fit models that they use are size 18/20, not size 4 and sized up. JMS is now sharing what they know about clothing that fits a full-figure with a new line of casual wear.

Admittedly, I was a little nervous. Sure they know sportswear, but there’s a big difference between sweatpants and a well fitting maxi dress that caresses your curves and floats like a summer day on a Caribbean island from shoulder to ankle. Turns out, they know how to do that too. I am honestly very pleased with this collection.

The show was at their corporate offices in midtown Manhattan. My good friend Terri Murray, a professional plus-size model and the President of the Association of Image Consultants International (New York Tri-State Chapter), came along for the event.

After the show I was given a private exclusive tour of the clothing with Janet Freedman, Director of Design for Hanes and JMS. Besides talking about our fabulous grandmothers who taught us how to build a wardrobe, we spent time examining the product. I can tell you that the clothes look good on walking models — meaning that the fabric drapes and moves well on a body in motion, and that the pieces are well made. Seams are strong, details like beading and trim are not going to come off in the first wash and best of all each piece ranges from $6 – $22. Grandma Rose, who spent her life working as a seamstress and expert milliner in NYC sweatshops always said, “it’s better to have 5 or 6 very well made pieces in your closet and build an outfit with other, simpler pieces. Don’t break the bank bubbeleh.” Grandma Rose would approve of this new collection.

JMS has signed an exclusive with Walmart and the line will be available through the JMS website and in Walmart stores around the country. There will be new items in stores monthly. At a time when we are seeing the complete removal of plus size sections from department store selling floors, Walmart has chosen to dramatically increase the plus size section on their selling floor. The line is available in sized 16-28 and some items to 5x.

Janet, a plus size woman herself, shared with me her passion for bringing affordable contemporary casual wear to the marketplace. “Look at your budget and buy the best pieces you can afford that will mix and match with what you already have. Clothing that is made well will look good whether you are running errands or going out to dinner. I can change the entire look of my outfit with a few accessories and the basic pieces cost a total of $64. Our new line is all about celebrating our curves!” Sounds good to me. I certainly plan on wearing these clothes. I think they are perfect additions to my wardrobe and will offer affordable flexibility in outfit planning.

Janet has graciously agreed to make herself available to A Celebration of Curves readers. Here is your opportunity to talk directly to the designer of an international clothing line. She has offered (quite amazingly I think) that if you comment here on things you want from a fashion line, things that are missing in your wardrobe, fit problems, and style needs, “please let me know so that I can make it for them.” I have rarely felt such a heartfelt and personal connection between a company and their customer. Now, let’s go shopping!

The Quality of Your Life

I am a huge fan of the work of Paulo Coelho. Not only is he an amazing storyteller but he is a deep soul and the person I most want to have dinner with because he is my imaginary boyfriend and the least he can do for his imaginary girlfriend is take me to dinner, right?

Paulo interacts quite a lot with folks who visit his website both with videos of himself asking questions and offering insights, as well as being available through Twitter. This week he has posted on his blog the following video asking his site visitors about the quality of their lives. I’ve decided to answer him here.

I chose the name of this blog as a way to verbalize my life philosophy. I celebrate the curves in my life as much as I celebrate my curvy figure because I believe that everything that happens in life is right. And the quality of my life is directly connected to my having the viewpoint that everything that happens in life is right.

Life is right whether I am happy, sad, or angry. Regardless of whether I had a happy childhood or not, or whether my particular body shape is considered to be most desirable in our society or not — any and all possible experiences that are available in the human experience are right, and according to the laws of physics, could even be considered perfect.

For the most part, people think that the definition of perfection means the exclusion of any experience that is wrong. “If only I hadn’t burned the roast, the dinner party would have been perfect.” But I don’t agree with this exclusionary viewpoint. I believe that perfection includes all possible experiences, even a burnt roast. You are perfect and I am perfect. I do not mean to say “I’m OK, You’re OK” like the 1970′s self help book, which falls somewhat short of perfection. I mean to say that you are absolutely perfect. Your experience of bad and good is attributable to your own judgment of your experience, and perfection includes all experiences no matter how you judge them.

When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.
—Abraham Lincoln, Inscription on Pollyanna’s brooch, a gift from her father

I have been accused of having a Pollyanna viewpoint, but this is not true and I do not share that character’s naive belief in the inherent good of mankind. I watch the news and I see that there are people in the world who cause suffering in others. I do not expect people to necessarily be nice, and I always expect people to be exactly the way that they are. Then it is my responsibility, or even an opportunity, to enjoy the experience of relating with whomever I meet.

SEEING THE EXTRAORDINARY IN THE MUNDANE

Believe me, this is not always so easy. It is a very real challenge to see the good in this world when confronted with war, pestilence, disease, hunger, bullies, lousy drivers and my mom’s chemo treatments. But I continue to see the world as a good place and see that it is filled with loving, kind, thoughtful people who want to make the world even better. Even when terrible things happen it is still a perfect life that I am living.

As I interpret the above quote by Abraham Lincoln, I can either spend my days focusing on the bad, which will raise my awareness of bad and this will, in turn create more bad or, I can spend my days focusing my attention on the good and this will, in turn create more good.

How I enjoy a high quality of life:

1. Practicing eternal vigilance in seeing the good in people and events.
2. I am thankful for the skin I’m in and so I begin every day by standing naked front of my mirror and I say a minimum of three nice things about my body from the neck down.
3. When I notice that I am feeling a bit gloomy I make sure to connect with a friend and share a laugh.
4. I spend time out in nature. Taking walks, country drives, sitting under a tree. Whatever speed – I find that it is vital that I am out near trees as often as possible.
5. I do these things because I deserve to live a life filled with joy.

So my dear readers I put the question to you. What is on your list of things that impact the quality of your life?

As promised – Home Addition Madness

I am so excited about this addition that I am going to show you pics even though the living room is a complete and utter filthy mess. Mom, please forgive me for putting pictures of my messy home on my blog.
As promised, pictures of my house before construction, during and well…let’s face it, I guess we are still in the “during” stage since we still haven’t put carpet down in the new bedrooms. Although we have moved our bed into the Master Bedroom for now because I just couldn’t sleep in the living room one more night.

The big handsome muscular man is my darling husband. He truly does “husband” really really well. I mean seriously, he has actually built me an addition. We certainly couldn’t afford it and yet, he found a way. Pulling in favors (it helps to have family members who are professional contractors) and picking up side work, he figured out a way to make it happen. He’s my favorite husband. OK…he’s my only husband but I think you get my meaning. Disclaimer: Other working men seen seen in photos are not my husband, although I certainly did enjoy having them in my home building my addition. Thank you working men.

Our house was built in the 1950′s in a small summer lake community about an hour drive north of Manhattan, which is where I am from. When Jim bought the house (5 years before I met him) it had no insulation. It also didn’t have a vaulted ceiling with exposed beams (he put those in), skylights or beautiful hardwood floors. He did a lot before I got there and he firmly believed that he was done with the back breaking labor of home renovation. Silly man.

You can see in the exterior pics the original logs that are the walls of our house, now covered with pretty pretty cedar siding. Inside pics show where we broke through the living room wall to create two doorways to our new bedrooms. The house was 800 sq. ft. and is now nearly 1200 sq. ft. The house is still not a palace, but it’s no longer claustrophobic. Also, the tiny bathroom (you can just make out the sink) will be moved to the larger room that had been our bedroom (and yes there will be a whirlpool tub) now with living room closets on either side of the door. The former bathroom will be demo’d and a hallway leading to the backdoor will happily take its place. No longer will everyone tromp through the dining room to get to the backyard. Yay!

What I haven’t shown you is what the interior looked like before we took down the bedroom walls. Seriously, it was just hideous. Dark, claustrophobic, dismal and icky. You walked in the front door to look directly at the toilet. On the left was two tiny bedrooms and on the right the kitchen and dining room. The whole house felt like I lived in a closet. It isn’t so much the square footage that was the problem, it was the poor layout of the rooms. This is no longer an issue!

You can see in the interior pics the two closets that we have gained in the living room (on either side of the soon to be installed new bathroom), in addition to a large closet in each bedroom. Houses that were built in the 1950′s as summer bungalows not only had no need of insulation, but they also had no need of closets. People either used trunks, or a wardrobe, or did something else entirely, and they had way fewer clothes than we do these days. My house had no closets. Zero, zip, nada. The means that I have been making use of laundry baskets as makeshift drawers for the past five years. I-am-so-excited-about-closets. Seriously.

Hang in for the last pic in the series because we really do clean up pretty good. You may commence drooling. Everyone is invited over for a sleepover. I’m probably gonna need extra blankets…