Mar 26 2009

Carl’s Jr. Burgers: Cleverly Marketing to the Lesbians

Clearly this fast food chain is marketing to lesbians because if they were marketing to men, Padma would be eating a Spicy Kielbasa.

This is the transcript of the chat I had with Deb on the Rocks, a very famous lesbian, about the video below:

Hey Deb – Watch this vid first and then tell me what you think. Come on it’ll be really fun and you get to watch Padma Lakshmi totally tongue a dripping wet cheeseburger. Awesome.

I thought about writing a feminist diatribe about how fucking offensive it is to use a woman’s body to sell products, but you know the truth is, deep in my capitalist heart, I know that it makes sense to exploit a woman’s sexuality for sales. Woman are hot. Padma is really really hot. And now I want a cheeseburger. Or 3 Cosmos in a lesbian bar. Or both.

So Deb, when you watch Padma make out with that burger do you imagine yourself on the bun?

Deb on the Rocks:
Corinna, you minx, sending me to Padma AND food porn in the middle of the day. The marriage of two of my greatest desires. So, do I imagine myself on the bun? Yes, on the bun, on the burger, on the bacon, and on her ankle and her hand, and dear me it’s getting warm in here, on her wrist. Didn’t they make that bacon to look exactly like a tongue so that the viewers can imagine it is their tongue popping through the screen and into her mouth. I am Bacon, hear me Purr.

Bacon could be the new euphemism for clitoral stimulation. I could say to my husband, “Hey – turn off the tv/get out of the garage/put down that sandwich – and get over here and give momma some bacon.” Only I could say it all sexy like bayyy-connn and then he would remember Padma sucking on a long clit…oh I mean piece of bacon….and – hey, I wanted to put a link here to sex toys but the firewall at my company blocked my access. Bastardos. All men in the IT department. A woman in the IT department would understand my need to shop for Bacon Stimulators while I’m at work. I need one with a USB port. Do they make those?

They do make Bacon Stimulators that charge while you work, and I own one. Wouldn’t blog without it. But those IT men blocking you don’t get to have one, and they also don’t get to have Padma, so I hope they aren’t watching the video as it streams non-stop to your screen. Because my favorite part of the Padma porn—well, maybe my second favorite part—is the beginning, when she is tastefully strolling through the food market. Go watch it again to notice how she doesn’t give the man approaching her the time of day. That’s because she doesn’t like hot dog men. Padma walks past him to get to her true love, a hamburger woman. And that hamburger woman is me. Padma likes lesbians and Padma likes hamburgers and Padma likes me. I think that is the Carl’s Jr. message.

Absolutely. Padma left that Satanic Diary guy for you. What was his name? Salman Rushdie! That’s it! Oh wait, it’s Satanic Verses. Anyway, I watched it again and she is definitely walking through that market with a secret, “I’ve got a Deb burger in my bag and a Bacon Stimulator in my pants” look in her eyes. And look at the way the two buns gently open wider as she sucks and licks the juice from inside! Does this mean you two are engaged?

Deb on the Rocks:
Oh, no, she’s not the marrying type, and we’re actually past tense already. Padma’s not a meal, she’s just a fast food quickie. An awesome, juicy quick bite, but not something for the long haul. Just a messy little indulgence now and then. After awhile, you want something more substantial, something real, and you move on from her. Kick her off the stoop and point her to the next burger joint like the shallow little bun hopper she is. But the memories (and the video), those stay forever. And Bacon Stimulators are forever, too. I’m going to watch the video again. Is that really her middle finger she’s licking at the end?

Yes but licking her finger is just another euphemism for licking you. I bet if you watch this video in slow motion the words “Deb come let me lick your bayyy-connn” flash on the screen. She still hasn’t gotten over you. In fact, you have completely ruined her for all other burgers. OK – watching this video again. Lord have mercy look at those bosoms! Those heaving boobies are ready to fall onto the bun and smother her Deb burger! She can barely keep her knees together. Look what you’ve done to her, the poor thing. She probably writes her sad poetry down in her Satanic Diary every night.

Oh, Padma, I wish I could quit you, but you are such a lovely condiment ho. Corinna, you’re right, I’m going a slip a ring on her slippery little finger and keep her forever and ever in a 64 ounce Carl’s Jr. cup, and just like Jeannie she will pop out whenever I rub the condensation off of the plastic. My own personal fountain of Padma Pop. Yum!

But she’s going to have to keep eating to get a little more meat on her bones. She’ll be even hotter when she’s Biggie Sized.

Thank you Deb for your insightful commentary on this important social issue.

One Response to “Carl’s Jr. Burgers: Cleverly Marketing to the Lesbians”

  1. Thank you for covering these Very Important social issues!

    Mmmm, Padma.

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