Sometimes, I’m Like a Bull in a China Shop

I looked for an image of an open mouth inserting a foot for this post but I didn’t find one. Recently, I said something that wasn’t nice and I am very sorry that I did that. I am thankful that some of my friends pointed it out to me. Thank you for being willing to hold up a mirror and show me what I look like to others. It isn’t always pretty but I want to hear the truth. This isn’t the first time in my life that I said something that offended someone and I feel quite certain that it won’t be the last. I am too loud in quiet places, I bully gentle people, I am frequently politically incorrect, culturally insensitive and here are some examples which I find particularly embarassing.

• When I was a 14 year old Freshman, I announced at the day-after video review of my high school talent show “man that band sucked!” during a particularly non-rhythmic, but really not all that bad, performance by a guitar playing duo. And the two guys were sitting right in front of me.
• When I was 20 and I had just moved to New York City, I got invited to a very cool party at a very cool loft. A really cute guy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance. I was shaking so hard I could barely breathe. Oh my god he was soooo cute! And if I dance with him he’s gonna touch me! I was completely terrified. “No thank you,” might have been a good choice but instead, I told him about my grandparents immigrating from Europe, my parents messy divorce and just as I finished telling him about the time that I wet my pants sitting at my desk in first grade, he finally just walked away. I think he should have been impressed that I said it all in one breath.
• When I was about 25 I whispered to the lady standing next to me at a pot-luck garden party that the potato salad was awful. She let me know that it was her mother’s recipe and that she thought it was perfect. Also, it was her house. And also, her mother had recently died.
• Also in high school, at the Miss I will not tell you the name of my high school Beauty Pageant, I was asked by a parent if I thought a particular student would win. I told him that she didn’t have a hope in hell because she stomped across the stage like a bull with hemorrhoids. He was her father.
• Just a couple of years ago I told a woman at the memorial service for a dear friend who’d had cancer that I loved her hair. She told me it was a wig and that she met our mutual friend while getting the same treatments.
• Another friend with cancer told me that she really wanted support from her friends to keep laughing about the experience and through all of her treatments for the lump in her breast because she believed that laughter would be incredibly healing. I immediately raised my glass of wine and said, “Here’s to you and thanks for the mammaries!” She burst into tears and told everyone that I had made fun of her cancer. I found out that she meant that she wanted to watch funny movies.
• I was in a Chinese restaurant and I mimicked the accent of our waitress while she was standing behind me, not that my friends let me know. Later, she “accidentally” spilled an entire glass of water on my lap. To this day I am grateful that she didn’t spill a bowl of egg drop soup. Although she would have been completely justified.
• If I come to visit you I will take over your kitchen and cook many meals for you. The upside of this is that you will eat well. The downside of this is that you won’t be allowed back into your kitchen until I leave. This has made me a favorite house guest among some friends, and others won’t ever invite me back. I certainly understand both responses and I honestly doubt my behavior will ever change. By the way, I think butter really isn’t your best choice for that dish. You should try an herb infused oil instead for a more delicate flavor. And don’t slice the garlic too thin or it will taste bitter. And never add oil to pasta water – it’s really just a waste of oil. And don’t get me started on recipes for polenta or we’ll be here for hours.
• I tell people how to cook, how to landscape, how to drive and how to raise their children although I have none of my own – but there is nothing that I bully people about more than curly hair. Lord lord lord I sing the praises of Curly Girl with religious intensity. I’ve approached strangers on the street, in restaurants, on public transportation, and in super markets to discuss alcohol free leave-in conditioners, tell them that curly hair should be a “brush free” zone (conditioner and fingers only!) and the benefits of drying your hair with paper towels to avoid frizz.
• I also bully women about their bras. Come on girls, point ‘em up and out to God! Lift those titties up off your belly, tighten your straps, shoulders back and march to your own drummer.
• When I was 3 years old and dressed as a “fairy godmother” for Halloween I waved my wand and offered to make “dweams come twu.” My mother had been taking driving lessons and she asked for a new car. I said, “NO! You have to get your license first!” So you see, my lack of empathy goes way back.

I’d like to believe that I have learned important life lessons with each of these experiences. I never mock the way a person speaks or walks anymore. Especially not after having worked with and been inspired by “differently abled” children and adults for many years. I absolutely believe that beauty comes in many shapes and sizes. I pretty much keep my mouth shut when it comes to medical conditions and someone’s physical appearance, unless your hair is frizzy and then I need to be held back or possibly beaten with sticks. I praise people for the dedication required to learn a musical instrument no matter how well they play and save the performance reviews for my private diary, or margarita night, whichever comes first.

For the most part people who know me will agree that I am a very loving and funny friend, and I am sometimes also rude, sarcastic and vulgar. There are different aspects of my personality and you can expect that I will continue to be myself.